Newsletter Archive No. 05 - Beaches, bonfires, and bullshit

Lana Del Ray said it best: “I got that summertime, summertime sadness.”

Every June, like clockwork, I fall into a pit of sadness. I start to panic about having plans and making the most of my summer. My future happiness and success are now solely based on how many beach bonfires I’ve been invited to. (If you’re wondering, the answer is, and always has been, none. In fact, I’m not sure I even know beach bonfire people. (It's a rigged game.)

My entire life starts to unravel as I reflect on every wrong turn I’ve ever made. Suddenly I’m looking at apartments for rent in Paris and plotting my escape from this terrible, bonfireless life, wondering how I’ll fit a dog and four cats into my suitcase.

This year, I actually caught on to this thought game before I fell too deep in the pit. I started to notice the cyclical nature of my thoughts and how uncreative they were. (Why is it always a bonfire at the beach that I need to be invited to?) While awareness is a helpful first step, it doesn’t make the intrusive thoughts go away. It can dull the pain, but sometimes being cut by a dull blade hurts even more. Conceptually, I know this is part of my annual cycle. I know that once the end of July hits, a switch will flip, and I will become a social butterfly for a month. While this awareness can be helpful, what I really need to do is move through the feelings.

Growth comes from embodiment.

I remember a question my therapist would ask me sometimes when I was frustrated and feeling stuck. She would say to me, “What are you being called to learn?” This question has stuck with me over the years acting as my North Star during difficult times. I like to think that my experiences are constantly shaping me like a potter molds their clay. It feels too sad to think that life is completely meaningless. 

My mom used to tell me, “Everything happens for a reason,” which is probably the least helpful thing you can tell someone going through a difficult time. While I don’t believe that every little thing is fated, I do believe that when reflecting back, we can give context to our experiences and recognize how they've shaped us into who we’ve become. I think I prefer the approach of the first question because it’s led by curiosity versus being fed a silver lining I didn’t ask for or want. It's empowering to believe that I get to choose what the events of my life mean. 

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THE CURIOUS PARADOX IS THAT WHEN I ACCEPT MYSELF JUST AS I AM, THEN I CHANGE.

CARL ROGERS

I’m not sure why things happen the way they do. I can’t make sense of all the horrors of the world and why tragedy strikes when it does, but I’m trying to remain curious about how this season is shaping me. This year has been hard in ways I couldn’t imagine. It feels like a clearing in a way—a season of tough love and forced growth. In a time when we are constantly being perceived and aware of that perception, it takes courage to step into the truest version of ourselves.

Living an authentic and vulnerable life isn't for the faint of heart.

I’ve been having moments where I have to tell myself to cut the bullshit. I have to be brutally honest with myself and get clear about what I want instead of what I want to want.

As much as I’d love to be the carefree bonfire loving version of myself, I’m not going to force it. I’m done chasing what I think will make me happy. I’m learning and growing (and crying a lot, if I’m being honest). There are even times when I’m excited about who I’m becoming.

I know I’ll be okay even if it doesn’t feel like it at times, and soon it will be time to welcome in an entirely different season.

In the meantime, I'll keep hunting for small moments of joy while life molds me into its next masterpiece.

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Originally published on July 16, 2024.