The universe doesn’t care whether you eat a cheeseburger or a salad

Aug 8

Transcript

Today I am podcasting from a very special location.

I'm not at home, but I will get to that in a bit and where I am and why I'm here. First, I kind of just want to catch you up on what's been going on. So we are fully rooted in the fall season. And for most of September, as you might know, Mercury was in retrograde. And for me there was a lot of kind of like push-pull happening. I really felt like I wanted to turn inward but at the same time there was a lot going on around me externally. I had a lot on my calendar and so it was just like an interesting time of like feeling kind of topsy-turvy.

I wasn't really able to get into a good routine. And what I really noticed, most thought came up during that time was these kind of rules that my mind has about how to live. It kind of sets up this framework of like there are right choices and wrong choices and likes to place a judgment on the things that I do. So one of the judgments that came up during this time was, oh like I don't have a routine, I know that routine and consistency is good for me, so I'm not doing what is best for myself and that was something that was just interesting.

I think there's some value there of like yes, I know consistency and routine is really good for me, but what I noticed is that like routine isn't I'm not meant for it in the traditional sense. Like, I noticed that if I were to, for example, oversleep, like, if I plan to get up at 8 a.m. and maybe yeah, I slept in until 8:30, I would allow my mind to kind of set the tone for the day that would kind of just keep me off track for the rest of the day and it was really attached to this idea of time and needing things to happen at a certain time in order for it to be okay.

And you know, there's nothing wrong with that but I think it's really interesting how I kind of let that just bring me even more off track. And what I'm kind of seeing now, is that maybe routine can look different, maybe it's not necessarily things happening at a specific time doing the same things at the same time every day, maybe it's more of like, a sequence of events that kind of signal what, you know, that It's time to start the day or this certain sequence of events, might signal that is time to wind down, time to go to sleep. So, that's something I've been kind of playing with, and just allowing things to maybe unfold without any judgment. And I think, you know, judgment is something our minds really love to to create and it even, you know, my mind is like, you know, even judging the fact that I'm judging myself, it kind of turns into this like long spiral and that's okay.

What I'm trying to exercise more now is just acceptance. Acceptance of everything, you know, acceptance of the judgment because at the end of the day, I am a human being with a human mind and that judgment is a function of the mind. Part of it is just wanting to keep, keep me safe. And that's okay. And one thing I've been really thinking about how this framework of like, the right choices and wrong choices has come up.

What if I'm always in the exact right place at the right time, what if I'm always doing what is best for me in the moment, and there are no right and wrong choices, you know like maybe sitting on the couch and watching my favorite TV, shows all day and barely moving is what is actually best for me in the moment and I shouldn't, you know, be doing something else. And so, that's something that I've been, really just sitting with and working on is, how can I just notice and acknowledge this judgment that's coming up and accept it and then maybe release it, if that feels good.

Which kind of leads me into where I'm at and why I'm here. So earlier this year, I had decided to go on a writing retreat with my writing group and I was really excited about it. It would have been an opportunity to really to meet people that I had been writing with online for over a year and to actually meet with them in person and to write together. To kind of live this wonderful writerly existence in the English Countryside. And as the trip, came closer and closer, I noticed that I wasn't excited about it. You know, my friends would ask me like, oh my gosh, are you so excited your writing retreat, is coming up? That's going to be so great and I was like, no I'm not, but maybe I will be when it comes time and the closer it got to the date, the less excited.

I could just really feel this like pit in my stomach.

Like, I knew something wasn't aligning and things kind of like reached a peak and I ultimately decided to leave this writing group and to kind of let go of the retreat, which was really hard for my mind. Because, like, I decided this like a week after I bought a non-refundable plane ticket to London because the retreat was like an hour outside of London and then I decided to not go and it turns out I lost all of the money that I had paid for. Like, I had just paid for the retreat upfront so all of that money was gone and I was left with this ticket to London and like nothing else.

And so, I went back and forth and I was like, should I go, should I not go? I talked to my inner voice, a lot and my inner voice still wanted me to go and said you need to go and so I was like, okay, I'm still going.

I already had someone lined up to watch Cauchy. I had already taken the time and got my classes up bar and taken care of. So, like everything was really in line, you know, I just didn't have a plan or a place to stay, and then I found this really beautiful hotel in London. When I was looking it, had this beautiful name, it felt very like Writer oriented. It was really cozy and cute and I was sitting with it and I really wanted that space and then it wasn't available. It was all sold out for the dates and I got super bummed. And then a few days later, I was like, oh, I'll just look again and when I looked at that time, everything just kind of flowed, I found this beautiful hotel that was more of like an apartment. In the lobby there's a coffee shop and a co-working space. It's right on the river with a beautiful view, it's across the bridge from one of my favorite museums and it all just kind of flowed. So I booked it and was like, I guess I'm just going to go and I kind of let my inner voice lead the way for the entire trip. Like, when it came time for packing, I decided to just bring a carry-on instead of checking in my bag, for just for ease and then my inner voice wanted me to bring books when I thought I was going to bring my Kindle.

Well, it turns out when I went to pack, I couldn't even find my Kindle at all. And it wanted me to bring two books with me, which felt really confusing for my mind of like, okay, we're trying to conserve space so like wouldn't the most efficient thing to do, would be to bring like an iPad or a Kindle so then I could have unlimited books. Like, why do I need these, you know these tangible tactile books with me, but it turns out they're actually really nice to have and I actually had enough space to bring them. So just goes to show that you know, the mind doesn't necessarily know what is best so fast forward to now I am, I'm here in London.

I'm on what I'm calling, kind of a personal retreat.

It's become less about writing in the way that I thought it would be, like, I kind of imagined myself sitting and working on my novel, like, writing pages and pages everyday. And it’s really turned into this kind of personal Retreat of growth and kind of coming back home to myself. And really letting my inner voice guide me into what I meant to be doing. And so I'm here, I've been in London for a few days now and it's been really wonderful. I've walked around, I've been to a couple different coffee shops. I actually did get to meet up with one of my friends who would also left the writing group, she lives in the UK. So she took the train in yesterday and we got to just spend the day together walking around talking and it felt really good to, like there's something about meeting someone in online friend in real life that I feel like really solidifies their friendship and so that was just like a really lovely day. And other than that, I've just been kind of like cocooning turning inward.

I've come back to my yoga practice and I really just been taking it easy, which has created all kinds of stories with my mind even leading up to the trip, you know, friends would ask me, like, what are you going to do while you're in London? And I'm like, well, the point is to not really do anything. Like, I kind of just want to go to coffee shops and write or just stay in my room. Like, I don't really know, but it's not really that kind of like outward sightseeing trip. And I noticed that before I left, and now that I'm here, like, finding myself wanting to, to make this trip about other people's expectations but that's actually not what is best for me and I know what is best is actually to kind of just take it slow.

I'm actually quite surprised normally when I go on a trip by myself, I end up just walking around the city a ton, but this time around, I really haven't. I've been staying kind of close to home and it's been really nice to be honest.

Like I kind of love the the moody weather and my room is really cozy and it's just been really nice to like, slow down and to read a book. I don't really have the same distractions I have at home, I don't have my animals with me. There are a lot of limitations on what I can stream so I haven't even really been watching TV. I have internet but since I’m on a different time schedule I haven't been talking to as many friends and family and it's just been a lot of time really just with myself and my inner voice and seeing what comes up.

And it's funny because they're just having so many of these judging thoughts and wanting to do things the right way. Like, what's the right coffee shop to go to what's the best place? What's the wrong place? Should I do this? Should I not do this? And this should has been coming up so much. And finally, I've had this point of, like, I'm kind of sick of what should I do and it's more like what do I want to do? What feels good? What am I naturally inclined towards?What is my body telling me? And so I'm trying to really honor that and embrace that and no like Ultimately there are no right and wrong choices.

We have, you know, infinite options available to us and we got to pick, you know, one road or One path and that can split in a million different directions based on what we choose and like that's okay. We don't have to experience everything. There's no best trip for Kim. There's no, you know, there's really no expectation. Like it'll unfold and it'll be beautiful, no matter what? And I've noticed on kind of my own path of living more intuitively living, according to my inner voice and just checking in more, my mind likes to create this idea that the Universe has consequences for our choices. And I don't know if that's true.

Like of course there are consequences for our actions. There's you know every action has a reaction but there's not like this. - attached to it. Like we're not going to be punished for making a wrong choice. If you decide to eat a cheeseburger instead of a salad, there's no like you're not going to be punished to the universe doesn't care if you eat a cheeseburger or if you eat a solid and that's really something that comes from the mind and Yeah it's just been really interesting to kind of you know have gone through a lot of this growth and a lot of this connection back to myself and still there are all these you know judgments there's the same framework that the Mind likes to create and impose on to everything. And that's kind of what minds do, right? The mind is pretty Limited, at the end of the day. It's only a human mind. And so, it's just doing what it's meant to do. And that's okay. I'm not here to judge my mind for, for what it's doing.

I just want to notice and kind of call out that even though those thoughts exist, they don't have to be true, they don't have to be real, we can just honor them and keep And so that's what I'm trying to do as I live each day here on my trip and I think I'll be taking a lot back home with me. and it's so funny even as I'm recording this, my mind has so many judgments of like, this isn't what you intended to to share today, like it's supposed to be this and to be honest every time I show up and record an episode, I never really know what I'm going to say and that actually creates quite a bit of avoidance, it takes a lot for me to like show up and and record an episode, which I'm always so happy when I do Do and it always feels so good.

But I think there's a little bit of nerves there and fear of the mind of needing to have a plan or have notes, or there's a judgment of like I'm not taking this seriously if I don't plan ahead but I trust that no matter what, you know, each episode always ends up, being exactly what it's supposed to be.

And it's just so funny.

I have these expectations heading into each.

Sewed, my mind had decided this was going to look a certain way and now it's kind of turned into something quite different, which is so beautiful.

And I think when we release expectations, when we allow ourselves to just show up in the unknown and just take it one step at a time, things can unfold really beautifully.

You know, there's a time and a place for having structure and kind of knowing what's come what comes next?

And then there's some beautiful Magic.

When you say, I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing in five minutes or in two hours or at the end of the week or on this trip, I planned and you can say, you know, I don't know, but I but I think it'll be really beautiful and magical.

And that's kind of what this trip has become for me.

You know, it started out as this beautiful writing Adventure were it would be in community and really focused on my craft and Writing projects and now it is shifted into something completely different and equally is magical and beautiful.

I'm really loving this time and space to be on my own to be able to do exactly what I want.

Just kind of like flow along with no responsibilities and I'm really excited for all of the things that have come up in the spaciousness I've created and it's funny because because, A lot of it are ideas that have been sitting with me for years and I'm really excited to come back to them and work on them and potentially share them with you.

And so yeah I guess like the takeaway I think is thought there's so much Beauty in the unknown and it's okay to change your mind and it's okay to let go of something that's not serving you and it's also okay.

Be sad about it you know a couple days ago when I knew the retreat was starting, I could feel the sadness and my body and you know I think that was part of it of grieving this other opportunity I had and the other path I could have gone down and just having a moment of like, wow, like that's sad that I'm not there and I know that this is the path I'm meant to be on and it's okay to hold both like we are Are such complex beings. Things are never black and white. It's not this dual existence. You can be both really excited in the choice you made and also sad that you didn't go down that other path. And that's I think part of the beauty of life that's kind of I feel like that that happiness and sadness is really encapsulated in, kind of the word bittersweet. And I think that's It's just so beautiful to be able to hold both at once is truly magical. And so yeah, I'm just flowing along.

I'm going to be in here in London for a handful of more days, and then it's back home and I'm really excited. This is the first international trip I've taken since the beginning of 2020 and You know, I'm both more myself and so different from the version of myself, who I was at the beginning of 2020. And I think that's really beautiful, too, and it's fun to come back to a place. I actually was in London in January of 2020. And so, it's fun a couple years later to come back and to see who I am, you know, now and to be in the city. And kind of explore all the facets of myself and this beautiful place. So that's really all I have to share with you and I hope you're having a beautiful day.

I hope that you are being kind to yourself and really honoring where you're at in life and if you feel called to it, I would love to hear from you.