Newsletter Archive No. 04 - What is your guilty pleasure?
I have an obsession with looking at houses online.
Opening up my Zillow app and perusing new listings while sipping coffee has become part of my morning ritual. I’ll look at a listing and try to picture myself there. How would I arrange the furniture? What decor would I need? Which nearby coffee shop would become my spot? If I moved to New York, what would the New York version of me be like?
I love the potential of a fresh start, a clean slate. With every new listing, there’s a little glimmer of hope that a dramatic move might inspire a new better me. It’s a fun way to give imagination creative control for a bit, and 99% of the time I close the app feeling grateful to live where I do. Truthfully I’m not sure I would even like New York me that much.
Then there's the other 1% of the time.
Lately this seemingly innocent hobby of mine has taken on a different flavor. Looking at other homes has activated what I like to call my “what’s wrong attention.” It's what happens when I lose my feeling of gratitude, and I focus all my attention on everything I don’t like about my place of residence. There are the smudges on the walls that won’t go away no matter how many times I clean them, and the fact that I hate having to street park my car.
It feels like watching a beautiful magazine image of my home slowly photoshopped to reveal all its imperfections.
Over time, this “what’s wrong attention” started to seep into other areas of my life. I felt myself becoming cranky and annoyed by everything. It turns out, if you try hard enough you can find an endless stream of things to complain about. In a rock bottom moment, I dove into the archives of my camera roll, letting my nostalgia add a little extra sparkle to each memory.
Before I knew it, I was in full blown “how did I end up here” mode questioning all of the decisions I’ve ever made. I yearned for other eras of my life; times when I felt like a shinier version of myself.
“
LET YOUR HOME BE YOUR MAST AND NOT YOUR ANCHOR.
KAHLIL GIBRAN
Then one night, I had a dream that I was moving. I was in what was supposed to be my new home, and I felt terrible. I remember crying in my dream because I didn’t want to move. I couldn’t imagine leaving a place that has been my sanctuary during a time of deep healing. The new place felt dingy and lacking compared to what I had. When I woke up, I felt so relieved that it was only a dream.
That dream shook me out of whatever funk I was in. I started to see my house in a new light. I remembered how much I loved that my bedroom feels like staying in a nice hotel, or how much I love how much natural light I get even on the grayest of days.
I stopped focusing on what was wrong, and started to remember everything that was right.
I realized that I wasn’t unhappy at all. I actually really love my home, and the quiet life it offers me. While it may not be what I had planned for myself, it serves me quite well. I remembered why I’d decided to close my jewelry company almost four years ago, and why I promised to listen to my body and let go of the hustle culture conditioning.
I think the lesson here is that we may not always know what will make us happy, but if we keep chasing little moments of joy we may stumble upon a life even better than we could have imagined.
Oh, and caffeine and Zillow don’t go well together.
Want to receive more stories like this straight to your inbox? Sign up for my semi-regular newsletter.
Originally published on June 12, 2024.
